I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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