I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Two words: blizzard sex
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
