I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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