My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
two words: eviction party
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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