i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
