we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?