I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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