Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
