I smell stomach acid.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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