He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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