eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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