I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
