I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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