im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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