Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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