My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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