how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
