im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
