WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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