dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
