We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
