dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
