My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
