how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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