How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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