I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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