I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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