Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
