how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
