her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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