Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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