woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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