dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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