So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
