he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
