i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't deserve a penis
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
