Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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