Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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