she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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