It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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