that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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