I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
MIDGETS
????
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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