i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
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