Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
