true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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