Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
