I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
