All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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