My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
