i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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