**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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