my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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