They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
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Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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