I wish I could teleport
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
