Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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