I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
